- People are refraining from saying "joyful Solstice," replacing it with such heathen phrases as "happy holidays," "happy New Year," "Merry Christmas" and "Happy Chaunakah;"
- Our traditional solstice symbols, such as the star and wreath, have been co-opted by the forces of Christmas;
- Stores across the country have abandoned their stock of solstice-specific merchandise. You can find Dradles, mangers and other merchandise, but nowhere can you find solstice-specific items;
Want to help end this anti-Solstice scourge? We at the Department of Pagan Enthusiasm (DOPE) have prepared a short list of tasks you can incorporate into your everyday life. So if you're on board with our pro-solstice campaign and ready to fight the scourges of the anti-Solstice agenda. There's a lot you can do to help:
- organize letter writing campaigns: see a store that ignores our great and glorious Solstice? Write them a letter. Get your friends to do it, too. Use phrases like "merchants of the forces of hedonism" and "supporting the powers of darkness;"
- picket people who refuse to say "joyful solstice." Be sure not to just picket their places of business, but their homes as well. If they object, leave sheaths of wheat on their doorstep. They'll get the message and shape up in no time;
- see a tv program that doesn't sponsor any pro-Solstice activities? write them letters, too, but also focus on their advertisers. Ask the people who advertise on their show if they've ever had a bunch of angry pagans outside their offices. If that doesn't scare them, nothing will;
- sabotage events supporting other holidays that exclude the Solstice: get a job as a mall Santa and eat lots of cabbage and beans before your shift. If anyone asks, blame it on the elves;
- bumper sticker your car: there are some great bumper stickers available form our shop: "Remember the Solstice!" and "12-21: not just a palindrome" are two of our best sellers. But be sure to not stick to just bumper stickering your own vehicles. Be sure to bumper other peoples' cars as well. Best to do this late at night so they drive around with our message of hope and peace for hours before they find out;
- there is no number six;
- see a manger scene? Get a bunch of "it's a girl!" balloons and tie them to the hands of the wise men. Tie them to the crib as well and make sure to put a pink bow on the baby's head;
- fight the snowmen: snowmen have been transformed from their traditional pagan status so as to no longer have their connection to traditional pagan rituals and rites. They are no longer our allies and must now be seen as our enemies. When you encounter a snowman, you may fight it through a variety of means. Hair dryers are effective, but it's difficult to find an easy to use outlet near many, so we recommend carrying a carafe of hot coffee. Its effect is similar to that of "holy" water on vampires. (vampires are neutral in this fight, so please don't make your coffee with holy water. It will be perceived as a threat by them, and the last thing we need is for them to ally with Christians);
We hope this update on the War on Solstice has been helpful. With your help, we can defeat the forces of anti-paganism and bring society into conformity with our pantheistic tree-hugging dirt worship, which everyone knows, is the One True Religion. And remember, if anyone challenges you, you're doing this for their own good. Just tell them that and everything should be fine.
I will end this message from the front lines in the culture wars with a traditional pagan litany:
Never give up.